And Let Me Introduce …

I was on a quest; curious and a bit perplexed. Though my problem was a lucky one, I was trying to figure out the best way to introduce your new love to others when you’re getting up in your years. 

My late husband Mark and I had joked that if we added up the years we’d been married to each other, plus our other marriages, we might make 50 years. That didn’t happen and we had just 13 years together before his death. 

A number of months after his passing, I was surprised when writing my morning notes that I put this to him: “Please help me find a mate.” Clearly our marriage had been a good one for me to want another love by my side.

It never occurred to me that it might be odd to find a new love at 75. After all, I’d found Mark after a long friendship when I was at 60. And I had some good history. As a youngster, my neighbor Ella married three times. After being widowed twice, she married her true love in her 80s. So I had hope.

It took a year, but in my last look before giving up on match.com, I saw Lenny. “Oh, what a kind face that man has; and I know him – he’s Mark’s friend.” 

It took some doing before we connected. My match text to him went unanswered, but that didn’t seem to fit with the Lenny I was mildly acquainted with. My women’s group friends, on hearing my story, said, “You must try to reach him another way.” 

When I told my nieces Jill and Karen I was thinking of going online to search for a man friend of the romantic sort, they encouraged me. I’d told them my mantra was “nothing ventured, nothing gained,” and they agreed. And so going a step further to meet up with Lenny seemed right.

Now, two years later, trying out a name to call Lenny, I was encouraged by a response from a member of Lenny’s family. His cousin Mike was visiting from New Mexico, picking up their great-grandmother’s spinning wheel to pass on to his brother Jonathan. Mike was heading down the front steps of Lenny’s house, face-timing his brother, happily telling him he had the spinning wheel in hand. Then he said, nodding to Lenny and me, “And here’s Lenny and Jean. Jean is Lenny’s ….”

And there Mike stopped short and wondered aloud, “Just what do we call someone who is a kind of love connection when we’re older?”

I shouted out, “I call Lenny my tender trusted companion!”

“Oh, I like that,” Mike said.

That experience got me thinking. The introduction does depend on who we’re meeting. On occasion, when we’re seeing a political friend, I’ve sometimes called Lenny “my co-conspirator.”  It shows a bit of the playfulness, plotting, and planning we do together. 

 When Lenny was trying out names for me, I told him he could skip the “girlfriend” one – it made us sound like we were still in our 20s.

Wondering what other terms were out there, I told my friend Linda about our experiment in finding a name. We had some good laughs as we imagined the possibilities.

“That’s so funny because I struggle with that as well for John and me,”  said Linda. “When talking about or introducing him, I generally say ‘my good friend.’  And as I’m thinking about it, John also says ‘my friend Linda.’ It works for us but we should talk about it  – maybe seriously or not seriously – yet it’s worked for us for 18 years.”

Clearly I’d lost track of the time they’d been together. “Eighteen years should call for more than ‘my good friend’,” I declared to Linda. “It sounds a little bland, plus don’t you have many good male friends?”

Later I said to Linda, “Lenny suggested you might say, ‘my spectacular friend John’.” Then I added, “I kind of like that because it leaves lots of room for people to think extra highly of John and provides a bit of wonderment.” 

“Hey, I like that too. I’ll try it out on him. It’s all about love. I’ve thought about using ‘my lover’ as identifying John, but that seems too suggestive in our society. How about ‘my love?’  It’s just a random thought.”

“Yes, ‘my love’ is tender and warm but not suggestive. I like it.”

“Me too! John and I’ll be together tomorrow afternoon making spaghetti sauce, and it’s a long process, so I’ll try it out on him. I’m curious about what he has to say.” 

Linda said John turned out to be more interested in making sauce than making names, so I asked more people for insight, inspiration, and experience.

At a medical appointment, the nurse asked me, “Are you doing anything fun today?” So I told her of my quest for a good introduction for one’s romantic relationship when you’re in your 70s.

“Oh, how about ‘partner’?” was her suggestion. 

“No, that sounds like we’re in business together,” I replied. 

“Well, then how about ‘my significant other’?” she said. 

Uffda. That seems awkward and is hardly warm or friendly. Those were common intros, but not for me. Then a few good additional options popped up.

My physician’s assistant relayed that one of her patients, an 80-year-old man, with a romantic friend, referred to her as “my lady friend.”  Now that had some possibilities – and it was spoken like a true gentleman.

My friend Charlotte had checked on Wordplay for possible ideas and came up with almost an endless number: sweetheart, soulmate, honey, heartthrob, intendee, gentleman friend, light of my life, cohabitee, beloved, beau, steady, boytoy, buddy, intimate, confidante, true love, guy friend, love of my life, my plus one, my squeeze, numero uno, and love interest.

All of these were good and I could imagine them being used, but I decided that I was happy with my made-up ones: tender trusted companion and co-conspirator.

My friend Deb had suggested “this is the man who has my heart”, which I rather liked but it was long. Remembering the man who used “my lady friend,”  I asked Deb if she’d check with her mom. Her parents had been married for well over a half century – they were both in their late 80s.  Perhaps they had some ideas from people they knew who’d been introducing them to a new paramour.

Deb texted me the next day. She’d asked her mom a slightly different question than I’d suggested. “Mom, if Dad passed away and you were dating someone, how would you introduce him?”

“My mom thought for the longest time,” Deb said. “And then she looked up at me and said, “Well, I’m 87 years old so I guess I’d have to introduce him as ‘a miracle.’ ” 

And that’s the best introduction of all.

Jean and her “tender trusted companion” Lenny during a recent trip to the Redwoods in California.